Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
whose parrot is this?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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