i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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