Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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