Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
