Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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