There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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