new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize