The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do vagina's smell?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
