Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
