forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
