If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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