Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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