The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
