All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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