I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize