i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You ruined the universe
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