I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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