it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
