If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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