the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
