you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
