I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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