Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
