i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
