I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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