Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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