My underwear smells like fireworks.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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