Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
