I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
