I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
