Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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