so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
