I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
