please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just high enough for therapy.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
