well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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