so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
