You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
