Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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