i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I don't think brook has ever known best
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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