her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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