Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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