you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
