He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
