Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize