If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
