it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
