I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
