I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
