Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize