Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
