She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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