Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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