i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
