Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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