I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize