I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
