It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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