my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize