There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
