i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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