I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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