If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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