I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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