you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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