i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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