I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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