first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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