I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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